


Ashes of Eden

by MerielTLA



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Modern: Still Have Powers, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Has Issues, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Hurt Bucky Barnes, M/M, Modern Bucky - Canon Steve, Modern Era, Protective Steve, Steve Rogers Feels, Stucky - Freeform, The Winter Soldier - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-29
Updated: 2016-06-12
Packaged: 2018-07-10 23:26:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,122
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7012438
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MerielTLA/pseuds/MerielTLA
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I could see her eyes. </p><p>Terrified.</p><p>Her hand straining to reach mine. Just a little bit closer. I could do this. I HAD to do this.<br/>“Please! Please don’t leave me!” She cried. A deafening noise drowned her pleas and then, all went black.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Will the faithful be rewarded  
> When we come to the end  
> Will I miss the final warning  
> From the lie that I have lived  
> Is there anybody calling  
> I can see the soul within  
> And I am not worthy  
> I am not worthy of this - Ashes of eden by Breaking Benjamin

Bucky PoV

_I could see her eyes._

_Terrified._

_Her hand straining to reach mine. Just a little bit closer. I could do this. I HAD to do this.  
“Please! Please don’t leave me!” She cried. A deafening noise drowned her pleas and then, all went black. _

I woke up drenched in sweat. My breathing labored while I tried to come back to reality. 

It was over, I was at home.

She was gone.

I felt a sob trying to escape my throat, trying to suffocate me. My breathing hitched as I put my hands in my face. I had to get a hold of myself or I would drive myself mad.

Not that I was fully sane to begin with.

Remembering the words of Dr. Hill, I breathed through my belly while I counted to three between each breath. It was painful trying to get my body to cooperate, my lungs felt on fire and my chest ached until I could follow a rhythm and breathe like normal.

“Fuck.” I whispered to the night. I closed my eyes telling myself to calm the fuck down and stop thinking of the past.

After a while, feeling slightly better and knowing that I wouldn’t get any more sleep. I sat up and turned on the TV needing something to shut down my brain.

“Captain America ladies and gentlemen! He is gorgeous even if I can only see half of his face!” A hostess was saying in one of those too-early-in-the-morning shows.

“That ass though! #TeamCap all the way!” Said a guy so stereotypically gay, that he probably was there only for them to say that they were inclusive and trendy.

“I know! But I don’t know. I’m more of a Tony Stark fan myself #TeamIronMan.” I rolled my eyes. In my limited interactions with the millionaire, I had decided that he was just ‘too much’ for me. I was all for team Cap even if I had only seen him in TV.

My stomach made a churning noise but I ignored it. I knew I wouldn’t be able to stomach food in my state. It was safe to say that my mother and sister were concerned, but I had no idea how to stop. How to try to start living like a normal person. I didn’t even know how I had managed to be one before the army. 

I looked at my hand. It was state of the art Stark Industries, designed by Tony Stark himself and it was…something. There were times when I found myself looking at it in awe, it was like looking at something from the sci-fi movies Becca loved so much. I still had no idea why the government had bothered with me, why had they given me this when there were thousands of other veterans that needed it more? That deserved it more.

But they had upgraded me while I was unconscious, when I had no say in the matter. Now, they said that I could die if they removed it…I hated having it on me, but I would hate leaving my family even more. Groaning, I moved to get up and change. Dr. Hill had highly recommended runs or walks outside, for a while I had ignored her words but today seemed like a shit enough day to start doing something other than wallow in my own pity. A fun thing about society is that if I was exercising, no one would bother me.

Being alone and outside at the same time.

I put on some sweats and pulled my hair into a ponytail glad that the park was just a couple of blocks away. I stepped outside and was pleased to see a misty and cold morning, no one would look at me twice for wearing a hoodie and gloves. I stretched a little trying to get my body to cooperate…not an easy feat right now.

“Lets do this.” I sighed fully knowing how out of shape I was. One and a half years in recovery had not been good for my stamina. 

I began jogging, feeling my calves protest, my ankles burn, my knees rusty…fucking shit, I forgot how horrible it was at the beginning. I had barely made it to the park and I was already tired.

“On your left.” Said a voice behind me. I nodded, my eyes not leaving the ground and moving a little to the right while I tried not to lose my rhythm. God I was slow!

“On your left.” I blinked. Oh Fuck no! This couldn’t be the same guy! That was so embarrassing! Was I really that slow? I suddenly hated not bringing my phone to at least know how much time I had been running. I looked to the front where I could see a nice pair of buttocks running away from me. A back of the size of Texas, blond and fit…just like the doctor ordered.

And he ran really fucking fast.

I sighed and tried to ignore the burning in my lungs and the slight discomfort in my shoulder, right where the flesh met metal. Suddenly it felt heavy and in the way. I really needed to tell Stark about his inventions…

“On your left.”

“Are you fucking kidding me!” I yelled at him and the asshole just laughed and continued running.

“Keep it up! You’re doing great!” He yelled. 

I sighed trying to think that even if normally I could beat the asshole to a pulp, now I had no hopes of even taking a swing at him. Deciding that it was enough running for today, I went back home to eat a sandwich and get ready to visit the center.

“Have you had anything to eat?” Dr. Maria Hill asked me the second I stepped inside the Veterans Affairs center.

“As a matter of fact, I have. And I also went for a run.” I spoke trying to not feel bad of how different things were. Before everything, I would have been the one on-the-left-ing that asshole, whom probably was just one of those crazy cross-fitters that believed they were so tough just because they could lift a tire and run. I hated those guys so much. Hearing a little ‘ahem’ from the other side, I blinked cutting off my internal musings only to see Dr. Hill watching me with a brow on the air. “What?”

“I asked you, how did it feel with your new arm? Are you okay? Been spacing out recently?”

“Nah, I’m good. I was just thinking about an asshole I met. And yes, it’s good. I feel a little on the unbalanced side but I will get into that.”

“Is it too heavy?” I shrugged.

“Nothing I can’t handle.” Her eyes narrowed.

“Don’t tough it up Barnes. We need to know your recovery status.” I mirrored her look.

“Who ‘we’?” Her expression changed into a pleasant smile.

“All of Stark Team is eager to know if your arm works as desired, that way we can implement it on new candidates.” She sounded like a recording machine.

“Yeah, your guinea pig feels fine.” I told her flatly.

“Good.” She put her hands on her waist. “Now, even if our sessions have been going pretty good, I would like you to go to one of the Veterans meetings and what a coincidence, one will start in five minutes!” She put her hand on my shoulder and pushed me to the room to our left.

Peachy.

I sighed knowing that I had no way out of this, Dr. Hill could be scary when she wanted to, and even worse, she knew my mom. So, I got in and took seat in the furthest row…until Dr. Hill pulled me up and sat me on the third one. I glared at her feeling my cheeks burn when a couple of faces turned to look at us. Beautiful way to start the day.

“Good morning.” I looked up to see a guy smiling at the front. “My name is Sam Wilson, 58th unit Pararescue, and this group is not to judge anybody. It’s to help you adjust back to citizen life… I see we have a new addition, care to introduce yourself?” I sounded my throat.

“Sergeant James Barnes…I go by Bucky.” I shrugged.

“Okay. Good to meet you Bucky. Now, anybody want to share anything?” God I was glad he didn’t make a fuss about me being the new guy.

A woman stood up and walked to the stand. She was wearing a nice flowery dress, her hair kept in a bow and she looked so put together and okay that I had a hard time thinking of a reason for her to be here. Maybe she was at the end of her sessions.

“Hi…I’m Amelie.” She smiled and I blinked seeing her lips tremble. “I’m a fake-it-till-you-make-it kind of girl. I’ve been doing it for the past three years and sometimes it works but, other times...” She sounded her throat. “I was at my sister’s house…it was my niece’s birthday party. I was talking to her and her friends when…when I heard the gunshots. I didn’t lose any time when I had found cover and had my gun out pointing…” Her voice broke. “To a five-year-old kid…h-holding a needle in front of a bunch of balloons.” She let out a watery laugh. “It was hard hearing the screams and watching his mom go to cover him. B-but I know that if that had happened two years ago…I would’ve shot him. He is alive because even if I reacted by instinct I heard in the back of my head ‘maybe it’s not what it looks like’…I doubted and thanks to that a kid is alive. So I guess I’ll take it.” She shrugged. “Fake it ‘till you make it guys. And not everything is as bad as it feels. Thank you.” She smiled and I found myself speechless. 

Maybe, this thing might not be that bad.

The hour went by faster than I thought, and I found the session…comforting, it was good to see that I was not the only damaged one. 

“I want you to come here. At least once a week.” Dr. Hill instructed me when I walked out.

“Yeah, I think I will.” I nodded. I knew I would never overcome the guilt but maybe I could learn to live with it. Fake it ‘till I make it. 

“Hey man!” We turned to see Sam smiling at us. “I’m glad you decided to come…most of us don’t think that hearing somebody speak about their issues helps, but it kind of does. Will we see you next session?” 

“Yeah. I guess it won’t hurt.” I crossed my arms and shrugged. He beamed before waving good bye and walking away. “What’s next?”

“I think that will be all for today Sergeant. You have been improving, the arm looks functional and I believe the sessions with Sam will help you go the rest of the way.” She smiled at me. “How about we keep our meetings monthly and you promise me you won’t stop coming to the group?” I nodded.

“Seems like a plan.”

“Good. Now, don’t stop running. It will do you good to get back in shape. Go out more and find yourself a job. I can see that you’re bored out of your mind and that is never good.” I rolled my eyes.

“I don’t know, Stark’s money works good enough for me. Being an experiment is good to pay the bills.” I grinned and she gave me a stern look.

“Don’t become a slob. We need you in shape.”

“Who ‘we’?” I narrowed my eyes.

“You will know in time.” And she was off. I blinked feeling my skin prickle. There was something going on and I was not sure if I wanted to be part of it. The government always had a secret agenda…but what would they want with me? My alarms were ringing but I was not sure of it was because there was a real danger of I was being paranoid.

Sighing and knowing that I wouldn’t get anything else from Dr. Hill, I turned to walk away from the center. Maybe I should go visit my mom and damn, what kind of life I had if ‘going out’ meant visiting my mom? I needed some friends.

And now I was back to feeling like shit. I had had friends, I just…I couldn’t talk to them anymore.

I knew they were alive, I remembered having seen them when I was on recovery, feeling like shit and hating myself for failing so epically. I remembered their sad stares, the worried glances to the empty space at my left. Their attempts to go back to how we were, but I had been too fucked up to try, to give them something in return. I had pushed them away and I had not seen any of them…until the Chitauri decided to invade New York and I got to see Hawkeye and Black Widow fighting alongside Captain fucking America.

I sighed passing my hand through my face. I remembered feeling like a punch in the gut when one of the cameras tried to focus on the fiery redhead that was fighting aliens like she had done it a thousand times. I had fucking lost it when an alien glider exploded thanks to an arrow that should have been impossible to shoot. 

There I was, a fucking cripple that could not move on with his life and there they were, literally saving the world. And all I could think was that fucking Budapest had marked us in very different ways.

Suddenly I didn’t feel like being out was such a good idea.

_Everything burned._

_I yelled asking them to stop. But I couldn’t move. What were they doing?_

_People in white masks looking at me. Making the pain bigger. I saw tools and metal…so much metal._

I woke up and my hand shot to grasp my left arm. 

Of all my recurring nightmares, that one was the weirdest one. I always woke up itching and it was kind of hard to scratch the metal, so I had to endure the need and the God awful feeling without being capable of doing anything about it.

I groaned out loud hating the sensation. I had to move or do something! I was starting to get anxious just because of that fucking itch. 

“Fuck!” I jumped out of my bed and went to chance into a pair of sweats. I hadn’t showered. I knew my hair was a mess and I probably didn’t smell that great. But I needed to go out or I would drive myself mad.

Somehow, this run was better and worse at the same time. It was better because I had all that pent up steam inside of me and I couldn’t think of anything else except for running. And worse because my body protested with each movement. Fuck running was hard.

“On your…”

“For fucks sake just pass me!” I yelled to the blonde asshole…he slowed his step to run right beside me. I refused to acknowledge him keeping my eyes firmly down.

“You know, that’s not polite.” Really?

“I don’t care.” I spat flexing my metal hand finally feeling the itch dissipate. The guy sighed before speeding up.

“On your left.” Said his voice fucking two seconds later. I yelled and speed up myself because fuck him and his perfect little life that allowed him to chastise strangers while running.

“On your fucking left!” I felt a pang of pride when I saw his eyes widen as I passed him and continued running…until my lungs decided that they weren’t ready for that just yet, and I had to stop and nurse the pain in my side until a shadow fell over me. I looked up and saw the most unreal hazel eyes inside the most perfect face I had ever seen.

Did this bastard have to be beautiful too?

“You…you are fast.” He looked like I had broken him and his ideals of being the prettiest flower around. Ha! Take that hottie cross-fitter! There are people with more training than you!

“I was…once upon a time…now…not for long.” I explained between breaths. His eyes grew at my words before he pulled up his hand.

“Steve Rodgers.” I raised my eyebrow and debated taking his hand. He did look harmless enough, he probably had no idea how to throw an actual punch but I still was not comfortable enough with touching strangers.

“Bucky Barnes.” I introduced myself without taking his hand before we were interrupted by his ringing phone.

“Sorry, gotta go. I’ll see you tomorrow!” He waved and sprinted out.

I shook my head feeling that the day had started a little too weird for me. I let out a breath and turned to walk back home. I arrived and shed my clothes while I got in the bathroom.  
I looked into the mirror and grimaced, my eyes looked hollowed and bloodshot, it had been too long since the last time I had slept like a human being; my hair was long and it didn’t have much shape and I was starting to have a full on beard instead of a more acceptable stubble. I looked at my body, a little on the thin side, filled with scars and angry marks.

It would’ve been great if those were the result of actually saving people, not failing to do so.

Shaking my head, I walked inside the shower letting the stream soak my hair before turning up the heat. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath to relax my muscles…it was a relief to start to see the scars and the metal arm as part of my body, and not have an extracorporeal experience every time I looked in the mirror because I couldn’t recognize myself.

I moved my arms felling different, a little more awake and odd, but in a good way. I narrowed my eyes, maybe I could turn this running thing into an actual routine, with an actual goal. Go back to how I was.

“Hey ma.” I spoke to the phone once I was out of the shower and looked at my closet for something to wear. “Breakfast?” 

“Sure baby! Bring some bagels with you!” 

“Ok. Love you.”

“Love you too.” I hung up and decided for a long sleeved tee, black jeans and my jacket. I changed and was on my bike in less than ten minutes. The best bagel shop was a couple of blocks from my mom’s house in Brooklyn so it took me a relatively small amount of time to arrive to my old house. “Mom?”

“In the kitchen honey!” I walked there feeling my stomach twist at the smell of bacon and eggs.

“Smells good!” I kissed her cheek.

“Get the pot, Becca will be here soon.” I hummed and walked to the coffee machine before I heard a groan from the door.

“Coffee…please.” Moaned my sister making me laugh. She was on vacation from college and had taken her time catching up on sleep since she got home.

“Here.” I told her and her eyes narrowed.

“You need sleep.” She declared and I shrugged. I already knew that.

We set the table and started eating. It was a nice morning, I had even managed to take a couple bites without feeling sick, maybe the running thing could help me with this too. I was actually hungry.

“I’m glad you found your appetite.” My mom began speaking. I shrugged again. “Did you see Dr. Hill?”

“Yeah, I went there yesterday and I will be back to her in a month.” I was not sure why, but I really didn’t want to talk about the group. It felt too personal all of the sudden.

“Oh…are you sure?” I tried not to grimace. Of course she thought that I was not sane enough. I knew that I was too different from whom I had been before the army. But I didn’t think I could go back to that. I had not been that person in a long time, and I didn’t have enough energy to pretend like I had done in the past.

“Yeah…I am.” I opened and closed my mouth a couple of times at their double concerned stare. “I went running?” I hated that it sounded like a question.

“Running?” Becca asked raising her brow.

“Yeah…yesterday and today. I went for a run, like to the park. Sneakers on and being sweaty and all that.” Her eyes widened.

“Wow…that is good!” She grinned.

“It sucks, everything hurts…and there’s this asshole that runs there that I can’t stand.” I whined. “He’s one of those cross-fitters’ psychos.”

“So he’s hot.” Becca declared.

“Yes.” I sighed. “At least I see something good each time he outruns me.” 

“You should talk to him.” My mom said and I looked to the ceiling.

“I just said he’s an asshole. Why would I talk to him?” 

“Because you said the same thing about your squad and you love them. You kept them away for too long.” Low blow ma, low blow. I pressed my jaw as I felt my chest tighten.

“What do you want me to do?” I passed my hand through my face.

“To talk to them! They are your friends!” I shook my head hearing Becca’s words. She huffed an angry breath before stomping out of the kitchen. “If you don’t you will never get better!” silence filled the room and I debated between staying or leaving but I honestly didn’t want to go back to the apartment just yet.

“If reconnecting with your old friends is hard, maybe you can let somebody meet the new you.” My breathing hitched hearing my mother’s words. She put her hand on the table, before moving it and grasping my metal one. “Meet someone that only knows you like this. So they don’t expect anything, or anyone, else.” She kissed my knuckles and I felt my eyes sting. “I’m sorry I keep looking for someone that we both know isn’t there. I know we make things harder for you because of that.” She touched my cheek and smiled before standing up. “How about some house work?”

“What?”

“Mrs. Avramova was having some restorations made but her son broke his arm, she asked me if you could lend them a hand.” I grimaced, I liked Mrs. Avramova but her son was a self absorbed idiot. “And I said yes.” I sighed. Of course she did.

“When?”

“Well I was just about to call you when you called…” She shrugged standing up. “How about you help me clean the dishes and then we go?” I groaned in an excessive way.

“Not the dishes! Come on! I will do anything else!” I smiled seeing her laugh.

“How can you go to war but are afraid of washing the dishes, is beyond me!” She kissed my head.

“If we had the dish washer I wanted to buy you, we wouldn’t be having this discussion.” I stood up and tried not to look too uncomfortable about removing my glove. Before joining her on the sink. She had a weird reluctance to update all her kitchen appliances. “The food feels so gross in the sink.” I shivered giving her a big grimace.

“Don’t be a baby. Hurry up so we go to the neighbors.” I nodded feeling lighter than I had felt in a while.

Steve PoV

“I really hate super villains.” Sam declared and I had to smile. He was standing in front of the kitchen looking a little less than shit. Well, it was pretty early and after being covered in goo from head to toe and having his wings turned a nice shade of purple the day before, I kind of understood the bitch face.

“You decided to become an avenger. I told you it was a lot less glamorous than you thought.” I told him glad that my helmet covered most of my face. I couldn’t imagine trying to remove that thing from my hair.

“I would sleep for a whole week but I have to be at the VA at 8.” He spoke before sitting by my side in the island. “I love it there, but sometimes I would love to just…do nothing.” He closed his eyes in exhaustion putting his forehead on the table.

“Can’t somebody cover for you?” I asked. If I was pretty beat, I couldn’t imagine how the others felt.

“Nah. The issue is that they give me the worst cases. No one else wants them or has a record of being able to deal with their special brand of crazy.” He straightened and passed a hand through his face. “Two days ago, Hill brought a new one…this guy looks like shit man. He didn’t speak in the session and I think it might take a while before he does but…” He sighed grimacing. “My gut tells me it ain’t gonna be pretty.”

“Then is a good thing he has you.” I shrugged continuing to eat my cereal. “What is odd is that Hill took him.”

“I know. I will talk to her and try to see what’s going on.” He shrugged. We both knew that if she didn’t want us to know, it would be almost impossible to do it. 

“Well, up for a run?” I stood up and smiled at him. He glared back.

“No Steven. Us mere humans want to lay low for a little while and not die chasing after super soldiers.” I laughed.

“It’s relaxing!” His glare intensified.

“Jogging is relaxing. What you do is murder. My knees hate me each time I even think of matching you.” 

“Yesterday a guy ran faster than me.” His brows met his hairline.

“For real?” I nodded.

“It’s the second time I see him running there…he always seems in a bad mood and I guess he…” I laughed remembering how I’ve met Sam. “He yelled at me for the on-your-left thing.”

“Anyone who says Captain America is perfect, doesn’t know how much of a little shit you are.” 

“It’s not that bad!”

“You do it on purpose. You love seeing the look on people’s faces when you outrun them a thousand times!” We both laughed…well, it was kind of funny.

“One of the times he got pissed and the next thing I know is that he runs by me, on-the-lefts me and wow, he ran pretty fast. Until I saw him nursing a severe case of side pain.”

“You’re an asshole.” I rolled my eyes.

“It’s not my fault he pushed himself like that…what got to me was that he seemed…mad that he had to stop. Like he wasn’t used to have a hard time running at that speed.” Sam shrugged and I moved to rinse my plate. “See you later!” I waved and walked to wash my teeth before going to the park. 

It was true what I told Sam. Running relaxed me, I could concentrate only in putting one foot in front of the other, hearing the calm of the early morning and just watch people. One thing I had learned to appreciate from this time was that you could be alone on the outside. You could just watch the world and no one would pay any mind to you.

There were times when I hated this, and I wanted to scream at people for having so much apathy. But days like today, it felt good.

“If you open your mouth… I will kick you.” My eyebrows rose when I heard the guy’s (Bucky’s?) words and I couldn’t stop a smile forming in my face. 

“What kind of name is Bucky anyway?” I told him as I matched his step. Seeing a lonely black lock make his way to his face shading his eyes from me.

“The kind…you get when…your parents love old ass names.” I chuckled seeing him roll his too blue eyes. It was troublesome to think that I wanted to interact more with an asshole like him. Then again, most of my friends were their own brand of assholes.

“My second name is Grant.” I supplied and was glad to see his lips fight a smile.

“Buccannan.” Ouch. That was even worse.

“It must’ve been hard for the elementary school you, with a name like that.” He shrugged and we found ourselves in a friendly silence…which was weird being that I normally was pretty uncomfortable with strangers. We made a second lap around the park when the guy began to slow down.

“So…I’ll be going.” He pointed back and gave me an awkward wave before crossing the street. I looked at him leave unable to shake those eyes from my mind. 

Bucky PoV

“What?” I glared at Steve as we jogged two weeks after our first meeting. 

“So…” He sounded his throat and looked away. “It’s a nice day…” He winced and I had to snort.

“If you’re going to speak, please be more creative than the weather.” He chuckled and I had to fight to keep my eyes up front. Why did he have to be so damn attractive?

“Okay.” He became silent for another set of yards and I had to fight the need of asking him to keep talking. What was wrong with me?

It was like I was…sort of…getting used to his company. To hearing his breath alongside mine, to his weird way of running with his huge back too straight to be called something normal…to see him smile and wave after I was done with my laps. Fuck.

It was insane! It was not safe! I knew nothing of the guy, only his name, that could totally be fake. Or that he was even more awkward than me, which was crazy for someone with his looks. He looked so normal and harmless, that my alarms calmed in his presence. But that SHOULD NOT HAPPEN!

“Coffee…” He blurted and I blinked.

“What?” He sighed.

“Do you like coffee?” 

“Uh…I guess?” Eloquent Barnes.

“Hum…would you want some? With me?” I stopped running feeling my brain stutter.

What?!

“No.” I found myself saying unable to process what was going on.

“Oh…Uh. Okay…I-I…” A buzzing sound filled my ears, he could not have asked me that. Why would he even want that? We didn’t know each other! What was his plan? Was he after me? “Bucky?” I managed to look at him. He looked concerned, he was moving his hand towards me.

“Don’t!” I took a step back. “Why are you doing this? Why are you talking to me? WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?” I passed my hand through my hair seeing the metal shine when the sun hit it.

Oh right…I forgot my gloves.

“Buck…” I shook my head starting to feel lightheaded. I needed to get out of there. Away from him. 

I took a step back.

Then another.

When I was able to think like a human, I was at home, sitting beside the toilet and the acrid smell of puke filled the air.

“Fuck…” I cursed still feeling my body shake. I put my hands on my hair and took big breaths fighting to calm myself.

Why did he have to ask that? What would someone like him want somebody like me? And I wasn’t even thinking about the lack of arm.

Fuck he had seen my arm! 

“Fucking idiot.” If he pitied me before, he would double it now. I hated it! I hated him and his stupid beautiful face! I…

“Bucky?” Faster than I had been able to move in a long time. I was standing in front of Steve with my metal fingers around his throat.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” I growled.

“You let me in.” He spoke putting his hands in the air. One of them holding a glass of water. “Two hours ago.”

Fuck.

“Leave.” I spat taking a step back. 

“I will.” He put the glass down and walked to the door always keeping his hands visible. “I have a friend at the VA. Sam Wilson…he can help you.” I felt my breath hitch. 

Someone really hated me if this asshole was friends with my counselor.

“Out!” He walked outside and closed the door behind him.

Just then, I let my knees give in and stayed there. Looking at nothing while my body trembled. I had lost two hours thanks to a panic attack. I had let a stranger inside my home.

FUCK!

I yelled and hit the floor and had to stop and stare in awe when the concrete cracked as it gave into my strength…what? I looked at my hand seeing how the metal plates shifted, probably looking for the best angle for each movement. Not a normal prosthetic…Stark’s design, the man that had built a fucking tank of a suit. Hill and her interest in me. Hill knew Sam…Sam knew Steve.

Were all of them in the same thing? Was Steve in Hill’s secret plan for me? Was that why he didn’t leave me alone?

I groaned pushing my hair out of my face. It wouldn’t be the first time someone tried to toy with my life. The first time someone had manipulated me into doing their dirty work.

I would not let them do it again. Too many innocents had died because of that…but the meetings had actually helped me. My nightmares had been a little less brutal and judging from this attack, it was safer to keep going. 

What was I supposed to do? 

I sighed feeling a little calmer…and a lot more disgusting. Fucking fucked up day of hell…and it wasn’t even twelve! 

Feeling my body heavy, I stood up and shed my clothes before going inside the shower.

Now would be a good day to get drunk…too bad there was no alcohol that worked on me.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You are such a fake Rodgers.” 
> 
> “I’m not.” I sat and turned to look at the TV. “Are you watching Say yes to the dress?”
> 
> “Yeah, the crazy bridesmaid drama shuts down my brain. It’s quite entertaining and…”
> 
> “Nat is watching it.”
> 
> “Nat is watching it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Are you with me after all?  
> Why can't I hear you?  
> Are you with me through it all?  
> Then why can't I feel you? - Ashes of Eden by Breaking Benjamin

Steve PoV

“Hum…would you want some? With me?” God I was helpless.  
“No.”   
“Oh…Uh. Okay…I-I…” That had actually hurt. But okay I could…why did he look like he was about to freak out? “Bucky?” I moved to reach him.  
“Don’t!” He took a step back. “Why are you doing this? Why are you talking to me? WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?”   
“Buck…” I saw his eyes brighten in fear before the turned around and ran to the other end of the street. “Bucky please wait!” He passed his hand through his hair before turning to look at me…right before a car passed less than a foot from him! I moved to get him out of the street and pull him to the other side of the road. “Are you okay?” His eyes were lost but he managed to nod before stepping away from me. “Let me walk you home. Do you know how to get there?” He nodded and vegan walking.   
“Why?” I heard him whisper. “Why did you…?”

“Why did I invited you for coffee?” I winced. Yeah, bring back the issue that freaked him out Rogers.

“I’m no good.” He shook his head. His eyes were still blown and looked to be far away from here.

“Well…people do that, right? Go for coffee with friends?” 

“I don’t have friends…Nat and Clint are gone saving the world…” My step faltered…they couldn’t be my Nat and Clint…could they? His breathing hitched again and his hands began to tremble. “They are too good for me…they save people…they are good.” We kept silent until he stepped in front of a house and pulled out a set of keys but his hands were too shaky to open the door.

“Here.” Guarding my movements I took the key from his hands. For a moment he looked like he wanted to fight for them, but he let them go and I got to open. He walked inside letting the door as he continued to mumble incoherent things. “I’ll be going now...” I was about to close the door but something stopped me. Maybe I should go take a look and make sure he was fine. Taking measured steps. I walked inside and followed the sound to what it seemed to be his room. He was standing in the middle looking at his left arm.

His metal arm.

I was a man out of time. But even I knew that that sort of tech was out of reach for most people. That thing had Tony’s signature all over the place.

“It’s shiny. I know.” He spoke. His words filled with venom. His hair barely shading his bloodshot eyes. “Useless…I couldn’t save her…she trusted me and I couldn’t save her…” He let out a pitiful sound as his face crumbled. I took a step closer seeing him more and more agitated. I had to calm him down.

“Bucky. Take a deep breath. You need calm down.” He turned to look at me with wild eyes.

“SHE IS DEAD BECAUSE OF ME! I KILLED HER! I KILLED HER!” His body spasm and he had enough state of mind to run to the bathroom before emptying his stomach. I let out some air hearing him keep whispering those words after he was done.

I didn’t know what to do. We were strangers and it didn’t feel right to be present in such a private moment. But I was worried about him. My heart clenched hearing his pain…so I walked in. He was sitting with his legs bent and his head against his knees.

I sat in front lf him and began talking. I told him stories about the guys, of how crazy it was when we managed to be in the tower at the same time. Stories about Tony telling us that we lived worse than a frat house, but having a warm glow in his eyes. I told him when Bruce had displayed the patience of a God as he explained the internet to me. I saw him raise his clouded eyes when I spoke about Nat and Clint beating my ass in training. He didn’t react much, but I was sure I saw recognition in them.

After a while, his movements became more controlled. Sensing that he might start to feel better, I asked him if he wanted some water and he nodded. Maybe he was coming back to his senses. I walked to the kitchen and I stopped when I heard him speak more clearly.

“Fucking idiot.” 

“Bucky?” I asked and before I could process what had happened; I had his metal hand around my throat and a pair of steel eyes looking at me.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” 

“You let me in…two hours ago.” For a second I could swear he seemed confused about my words.

“Leave.” 

“I will.” I let the water glass down, keeping my hands visible. “I have a friend at the VA. Sam Wilson, he can help you.” His eyes widened before darkening in anger.

“Out!” Nodding, I stepped outside closing the door behind me.

“What just happened?” I asked the street as I passed my hand through my hair completely confused about my day.

What had happened?

First, I met this asshole running around the park…then he turned to be an interesting asshole and now this. If I hadn’t been able to get him out of my head for the past couple of weeks…I had no shot on doing it now.

This was bad.

I was 99% sure he wouldn’t talk to me again. He always seemed so distrusting and distant. Fuck, why didn’t I wait longer before asking him? Why did I have that need to see him more and get to know him better? 

I groaned before turning and sprinting back to the tower. Maybe a date with a punching bag could be good right now.

“You look like shit.” Clint supplied as I walked inside the kitchen. I paid him no mind and went to get a glass of water. “You ok?” I took a deep breath and turned to look at him. He was in his pajamas. He looked comfortable and only a little weirded out about my behavior.

“Nothing just…distracted.” 

_Nat and Clint are saving the world…_

I pressed my jaw. Should I ask him? 

“If you need someone to talk to…and you can’t find better options like Nat or Sam, I’m here buddy.” I chucked as Clint winked before getting up to rinse his plate. 

“Yeah, thanks.” I saw him leave. For some reason I didn’t want to tell him. What was I supposed to say? ‘Hey Clint, I met a possible friend of yours but I made him have a panic attack when I asked him out for coffee…and he is somehow lacking an arm, but not really. Did you know about that? Because he seemed to miss you but I got the impression that you don’t keep contact…weird huh?’

Yeah. I couldn’t even imagine a fake conversation with Nat.

“This is so fucked up.” I said to myself.

“Language!” Tony’s voice came from the media room.

“Fucking watch your whore mouth soldier!” I yelled remembering Dum Dum’s words. I was sure Tony’s answering laugh could be heard from every corner of the tower.

“Jarvis tell me you got that!” 

“I do Sir. Along with every other recording of the Captain cursing in the tower.” Came Jarvis’ voice.

“One would think this would get old after all this time.” I told him while I walked where he was sprawled in the couch while he ate cold pizza. “That is not breakfast.” I told him before taking a slice.

“You are such a fake Rodgers.” 

“I’m not.” I sat and turned to look at the TV. “Are you watching Say yes to the dress?”

“Yeah, the crazy bridesmaid drama shuts down my brain. It’s quite entertaining and…”

“Nat is watching it.”

“Nat is watching it.” I smiled. It had been fun to start seeing the secret life of everyone. How Clint loved his dog Lucky above all, how Nat had a weakness for TLC TV, how Bruce had a serious love for cooking, Thor’s hunger for pop tarts or how Tony could become the adult of the group when we got too messy.

Things people didn’t know about each other until you spent most of your day with them.

I loved them. But I had no idea what to think if Clint and Nat were the same people Bucky talked about. How could they leave him when he clearly needed them? 

“You seem pensive.” Nat spoke before sitting in the futon next to the couch.

“I met a guy while running.” Maybe I could talk to her without mentioning his name. “I asked him out for coffee.” At this, two things happened: Tony almost died as he tried to eat and laugh at the same time and Nat gave me the biggest stunned look I had ever witnessed.

“WHAT?!” Tony managed to say after coughing out a disgusting chunk of pizza.

“What?” I asked not fully getting why all the drama.

“You asked a man…to a date.” Natasha’s words made me freeze.

Oh.

“Do you think he took it like that?” Maybe that was why he had freaked out. 

“What were your exact words?” She asked.

“I asked him if he would like to have coffee with me…and he freaked out.” Tony began laughing.

“That…totally sounds…like you asked him out on…a date.” He managed to say between laughs.

“Huh.” I blinked. Suddenly his rejection hurt a lot more. It was like the 1940’s all over again.

“Wait…why is that look? Nathasha why is he wearing that look?!” I smiled hearing Tony’s outburst.

“Because he said no.” I explained. “And I did want to go out with him. To know him better.” Tony stopped moving, his mouth opening and closing, like his brain couldn’t find the words to speak his mind.

“Hey someone broke Tony! Well done!” Clint said as he walked to us.

“Cap asked A MAN on a date!” Was what finally came out. 

“Oh! I thought that was illegal in the 50’s.” I grimaced.

“In the states yeah. But not in the barracks where 99% of us were guys. We had bigger issues than thinking if it was right or wrong to seek somebody for comfort.” I shrugged. “But he said no, so that’s it.” 

“No. Because you brought it up. Why?” Nat asked and I grimaced.

“Because I like the park where we go run but I don’t want to make things awkward.” 

“Maybe he will stop going there.” I grimaced.

“Should I stop going?”

“Nah man. Just go and do your thing. You are both adults that can be civilized about thing.” Clint said before sitting next to Tony. “Now shut up because Veronica will fight her bridesmaid for that mermaid dress.”

The next few days I followed Clint’s advice. It wasn’t hard given that Bucky was nowhere to be seen. I felt awful for what I did, I should’ve kept my mouth shut and be happy with the little words we exchanged.

Until the morning he came back.

The day had started like usual. A little talk with Sam while I ate something before running. I almost asked him if he had seen any new guys but I refrained. I had no right to snoop.

“Man, Hill really outdid herself with the guy she brought.” Sam supplied shaking his head. “For some reason, the asshole seems to want to hit on my every nerve. I hope for the days where he didn’t speak. He seems to want to antagonize me in every step.” He glared at his toast. “Fucker. I know it’s some sort of defense mechanism but damn I will retaliate and it ain’t gonna be pretty.”

“Nothing like the Wilson sass to bring someone down.” I smiled. 

“You know it.” He winked. 

“Bring him hell man.” I clapped him on the back. “See you later.” I walked to the park feeling somewhat calm. It was a good morning.

I was about to start running when I saw a lonely figure running in the distance. I felt my breath falter and I felt the sudden need to sprint back to the tower but I didn’t let myself do it. We were both adults. I could do this.

So I took a breath and ran. Not thinking about what I had witnessed in his home, or the need to know him better, or his stupid too blue eyes. I could do this if I kept in mind that I had to get him out of my mind.

Even if he looked even more like shit.

Or the fact that he was wearing his gloves again.

Or that he seemed to have a small limp.

Or that he stopped and turned to look at me.

Fuck.

“H-hey.” He said as he scratched his beard with his left hand.

His metal hand.

“Hey.” I parroted feeling dumb.

“Look I…I’m sorry. I freaked out the other day…as you saw, I have some…issues.” He let out a depreciating laugh. “So…maybe if it’s still standing…can I accept that coffee?” I gaped at him. 

“Y-yes! Yeah! Of course.” Way to go Rodgers, the commandos would be proud.

“Okay.” He smiled and I felt my breath shortened. “Tomorrow at 8. Here?” I nodded. “Great! Gotta go. See you Steve.” He winked before turning to his street and walking away.

Feeling my fingers tremble I got my phone out to text Sam.

_I have a date with the running guy. Help?!_

Bucky PoV

I let my back hit the wall feeling sick. 

Steve Rodgers was one hell of an actor, that was for sure. I shuddered just thinking of all the poor sods that had gotten under that boy scout charm only to be -possibly- murdered or taken hostage.

I felt my skin prickle just by thinking on spending more time around him, but I had to do it if I wanted to know what their plan was. 

Hill, Wilson and Rodgers were going to regret messing with the winter soldier and I was going to enjoy every second of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short one I know! Works seems to be settling down, so I hope to update sooner or a longer chapter next time :)
> 
> Thanks for reading!!!

**Author's Note:**

> The Civil war feels got to me! My first ever Stucky and this looks like it will be a big one...already has legs of its own!
> 
> Please tell me what you thought and constructive criticism is always welcome :)
> 
> Thanks!


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